Jess(i?e+)? or Hope (she/they, он/она)
icon by perpetualwhirlpoolofconfusion on tumblr (picrew link)
multifandom, sfw blog
i draw, write (in Russian), animate things. creations are tagged as #babkart
black lives matter
HOW is it possible to people to just feel. To JUST get upset, or JUST get angry. Or even frustrated. Without it immediately boiling down to "i deserve to die". Desire to self-harm as an impulse reaction shouldn't be a norm. Idek if this is a norm for me, because sometimes i think i haven't always been like this. But then again, i've had some questionable coping mechanisms that would distract me from this stuff but they ended up doing me wrong so i deconstructed them. And then 2018-19-20 broke me a little bit in general but at least i am 3000% more aware of things happening inside me. So i can finally name them, and i can assume they're not normal.
Hopefully they aren't. I know that maybe a lot of people here feel the same but the realisation of it is probably gonna break my heart (nothing unusual lol but still)
Anyway wouldn't it be nice to just feel things without immediately jumping the self-harming suicidal implications all the time??
my life is actually useless. what do good people do to ignorant ones? educate them or avoid them, not "continue having a meaningful relationship because i have literally zero resources to educate properly or avoid" I kind of deserve to die but its other people who die because of the shitty societal system and not me who's actually at fault. im doing creative projects which literally no one in the world needs, they don't make anything better. they just distract me from my own self hatred. justified most likely.
if only existing had a point but i have none. i just do things.
need to write this out so.
well, it might be about me being really useless on a wide scale. if an awful things happens and i haven't prevented it, it means i am largely useless, disappointing and unwanted. and this is what exactly triggers my suicidality.
need to write this out so.
I've finished Alter Ego (mobile game) and its good but
Why is it so easy to just completely make me believe i am a bad person* seriously i don't understand
also its nice being told im faking being sick and then ask me not to be offended cause they mean i that im only doing it sometimes
i thought this kind of shit is over with my abuser gone but people keep doing this shit to me. which drives me straight to suicide lol (my fault, not theirs. so i can't tell them). nice living on the edge i guess. thick skin when. gotta go hide the pills from myself again...
me: i wonder how ive survived for 25 years
me literally the next hour: *tries to ovedose over a phone conversation* typical
btw ive lost the fkin pills in like three minutes after so thats one thing that keeps me alive i guess. i still don't know where i put the rope. i hide this kind of shit from myself
why do people want me to suffer WHAT DID I DO. oh right i was born. never mind
It pisses me off really badly when people credit Vincent Van Gogh's depression/bipolar disorder for his art, especially when it's an excuse to tell people they shouldn't be on medication for their mental illnesses. Like, you assholes do realize that it was his mental illness that killed him, right? And that he very likely had to struggle really fucking hard to make art at all when it was bad? Had he had modern medication and therapy, we might have had more of his work, not less. And even if we didn't, HE DESERVED TO BE HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
Like I just want to slap people with views like this. If you think that taking something that makes you feel better and makes you, ya know, not suicidal, is bad because it's "mind altering" I think you need to re-evaluate your life choices.
why are americans like "well if i feel like that person is dangerous for me i'll just shoot them! i am so glad to have this right" like? you won't go to jail afterwards? for murder?
i, live in the usa and quite frankly i have no idea
[ramble about guns and stuff below the cut]
me i am not so much concerned about going to jail for murder i am more concerned about if people are having guns (which they are) then there are increasing chances of me or other people being the people who are being shot which is. very scary! i do not like this!
i know some people like to collect guns and some people think it's fun to hunt other animals with them (which i am morally against but yaknow. it's a thing that exists) or shoot targets and things but yeah I don't know what's up with people having guns to defend against other people, it seems like that just makes the entire situation more dangerous...
it is weird though i remember hearing thing saying in some school shooting or another [that was sad phrase to type........] or maybe a different place not school I don't remember... there was news article referring to second person who had a gun calling them a hero, like apparently the shooter came so a random person nearby who also had a gun went out trying to shoot the shooter??
anyway yeah the whole gun thing is a big mess here in the states but some states are better about it than others and yeah thats my two cents on the matter
//i also had an interesting conversation with my dad about how to behave around police officers and also that time he tricked one into not ticketing him dsflfkjdgjh but thats a whole 'nother story-
some heavy topics below
and well, here where i live you can have a gun under some circumstances, say you're a hunter, so people who live far in the woods are considering it as a defence weapon, because like. bears don't have guns and you have to get a licence for it or something and not just?? buy it at walmart or how it goes in america i really don't know.
and of course pshych exam because i've read somewhere that apparently people who die the most from guns are the ones that uh. shoot themselves. it's quick, easy and free if you have a gun home and are mentally unstable, and you don't have to feel threatened to do that.
also in WHAT country you have to defend yourself instead of police/government helping you out (in every country now sadly, i know)
well now im super insecure about being happy and having interets on main
i wish i were the person who prevents suicide instead of the person who just lets it happen. but im just not cut for it, i guess. whatever i do doesn't help so i am just gonna stick to doing nothing. not happy on main, not sad. nothing. i believe a lot of stuff i produce into the world only makes it worse. and hell, maybe things that cheer me up are super messed up and i should not be happy about them at all in the first place.
let's see how bad 2021 will get. statistically speaking it will get worse so probably everyone would die from something i could have prevented but i don't know how. gotta prepare myself now and distance from everyone emotionaly.
#babka vents #death mention #suicide mention #if i survive the pandemic and the sickness that is #i am not saying i shouldn't be alive but someone probably deserves life more than me #someone who actually helps people and whatnot #which means literally almost everyone except extremists #and well #me #negative self talk3 notes
i also have no idea what to to with the fact that my sickness is chronic now, no one knows how long it will last, how it will affect my ability to work, exist, etc. its already giving me violent suicidal mood swings since im off my antidepressants. ive pretty much become my abuser. also i think i am a burden to everyone. im just gonna stop hoping something changes for the better because my life is only getting worse. and that's probably a sign i should have been gone for years, or never been born. i mean, who needs me this much anyway? i can't provide anything essential, not an activist/life saver, bad at moral support, let my friends die, etc.
i had a dream that
I know this dream is reality that happens in trans community and there are all those people dying right now because i couldn't help, because of some stupid reason, mental illness or what. So whoever reads this. Im not forcing you to stay alive for long time or something but TODAY? Suicide? DON'T EVEN THINK IT. i saw some real urls in it so im going to send personal messages
gonna get some more sleep, or end it all because that's what i deserve,
stay strong and don't be like me, help people and help yourself, it's not your fault the world is like this but it also can be better with you in it, and it's okay to feel emotional pain but it's also okay to be okay. seek help. no money/therapist? self help books. and i have some kofis to throw at you. there ARE organizations in this world who care and you can find one now. let them do their job. they will be happy to help. i know you feel like you are constantly in danger and you really are. but please examine if you are endangering yourself. it's 2020, you need to be a friend to yourself or at least partner up with yourself. you might hate this person, but not everyone does. see yourself for what you really are, beyond the hateful lables. Your inner voices don't have that much power over you, they also aren't inherently yours. they used to be people. you can separate them from you.
the world is not against you. a lot of stuff just EXISTS. not for the sole reason of giving you pain, stuff just exists and doesn't know why. so they come up with the reason, sometimes good, sometimes bad. it's YOUR life. it can be short, but it doesn't HAVE to be.
also i know you see no future but you might as well end up having it. so invest in it. staying up for 48 hours eating a single cheato is not something you should be happy about. try to invest in your health as you can, your older self will thank you. i know how getting older terrifies you but it's not that bad. time PASSES. and you live. that's normal. people say things, but you are the one to truly judge yourself.
comparing yourself to others? DON'T
support trans rights, don't forget enbies
the ONLY reason i fantacise about death is because i want to be at peace so bad. but i can't be at peace alive because there are THINGS HAPPENING in the world and i have to THINK, FEEL, OR DO something about all of them, which is what the whole existance is about. and if i don't do it, it feels like i'm just letting them happen and letting everyone down. i am almost never satisfied with myself and also i am incredibly scared of everything which makes basic stuff hard. and being a good person it just a person is apparently so much more than that...
i desperately want peace because feel like i don't deserve it and don't know any better than punishing myself as far from peace as possible, but i can't hurt forever. death is the only option which is both punisment and peace. i wish someone could telle my real value, i wish i could redeem myself somehow, for existing, (for letting my friend die, duh), but no one can do it for me but myself. i just want peace. and when i think of it, i start to grasp fragments of it. i can be at peace while being alive. i just need to know that.
Im thinking about ending it all again. Because the world will never be the same again. I'll never see snow in winter again. I'll never see my friend again. I keep thinking "this won't happen to me" but it keeps happening to everyone around me. And soon, my family will also die of old age and i have no idea how to deal with it.
Everything keeps dying and i Know it's my fault. Well whatever kills this planet in the next year is probably not. But even if the planet will be fine, the pain won't stop. Sometimes i think it never stops. Im immersing myself in sailor moon space to forget, but there is nothing i can do to make this world at least a little bit better. I stopped being mad at people even for some problematic things, because apparently, they were so close to death this year. No one deserves that. And yet we all will die, some of natural causes, most of governmental neglect. And i am part of this. And not changing this is on me.
I was never supposed to exist and everyone in my family knows that. They act like i am a be loved child but we all know i were a burden to raise and we all know they still think i need to be taught obidience by being yelled at. They have showed me they had a lot of reasons to hate me, and the other people did too. Now, i have a lot of reason to hate myself.
It will end when i die. Ill be at peace when i die. And yes i will make it worse for everyone else. So what, it will get worse for them anyway. Nothing really matters anymore. Just... Just let me rest and turn this pain off. Let me pretend everything is fine and it was never my fault. Let me bury my responsibilities with me. Goddamn.
whenever i hear about people having it worse than me i am so disgusted with myself immediately. this just should not be. no one has to have it worse than me, it's unfair and unacceptable. i don't know if i want to live in the world where it happens to others, or if deserve to exist in such good conditions others simpy haven't, or if i can bear the pain of someone else anymore. anywayayayaya
people: oh yeah so you're lgbt too. so like, the usual stuff right? parents disowning, being hate crimed in the street, all friends dying type of thing? this casual stuff that happened to all of us more than once? yeah that just happens
me: im gonna hurt myself SO BAD when i get home
like look me in the eye and tell me if my existance has any meaning when this all is happening and not only i am not stopping it i am also somehow not affected and maybe i never will be like im soooo much better off dead
im not attemting anything by the way im too goddamn tired for this and like the back of my brain is like gurl. so ill be sorta ok
but like really what is the POINT
fun fact also, when i was doing my bad thing last night i was of course listening to music because i always do and then "I'm Not Afraid" by Eminem came up and made me drop everything and like. I am not particulary fond of Eminem and i would really hate to say that the song containing the lyric dig his d*ck from the dirt and f*ck the whole universe "saved my life" or something but now i will have to say ir because technically it frickin did
psych tomorrow, hope he helps because my mental health is still kinda endangered
of course i've stopped immediately but then i just nearly statlrted crying because i feel so effin empty and lost. i remember thinking, repeatedly "I want to go back".... back where and when? to the time i was loved as a child? never happened (i am kinda being overdramatic here but COME ON). so like whatever my psych says imma do it
Time to process what happened.
there is nothing threatening my freedom right now. my partner might have been exposed to some very problematic views, but he is not evil to the core. he does not lack common sence and empathy, and i can't really doubt that. he is also showing no signs of neglecting me or planning to do do. surely, some of my friends can't figure out enough time for me, but they don't hate me and don't want to end our friendship either. i am not getting fired anytime soon, not if i follow the simplest instructions. even my parents aren't home, and my dead friend is already dead, and i have processed this. i repeat, there is nothing in my life right now that can threaten me, decide for me what to do, trigger my anxiety, ptsd and depression.
in a sence, there never was.
but i didn't know that. all this time i had all this depression and anxiety, which were coping mechanisms on itself, shielding me from the truth, from the painful cries of me as a child which haven't stopped for 20+ years and which were entirely to painful to process back then. but it's different now. i saw this child, i talked to him, i think we have more or less walked through our anger, grief, painful feelings in non-letal doses. it was hard, but it made sence. anxiety and depression were hard, but they made sence. what was underneth was hell, and it barely made any sence, and it was unleashed, and it was over, and now nothing makes sence.
i found the source of my pain that day, and i let it manifest through panic attack after a conversation with my partner, through a depressive episode after my meeting got cancelled, and i thought i might do some crafting despite all this. but then i dropped the pigment and all hell broke loose. i felt like an infant again, abandoned by the whole world for making a horrific mistake. the only sensible thing to do at that moment was suicide. just like it always was, deep at the back of my head. i knew my existing was wrong, and i knew why, i just could never face it. i ran around with knives, browsing suicide chats, flooded with this feeling of being unworthy at life that i faced so clearly now. i knew deep down i can't die, i can't even hurt myself, but i did all those posts, ran around with knives, browsed suicide hotlines because it made sence. because that feeling was always there, it was me, and i dropped the pigment and it could NOT get back into the can no matter how hard i tried and it was a good enough reason to end it all and
and then my friend wrote "maybe use a brush?".
i used the brush to get the pigment back in the can again, and it was over like that.
suicide stopped making sence, because my mistake was fixed. the crying child stopped abruptly. i felt like the pain ripped out of my chest, like it was no longer there. i stared at it and i felt relief.
it is still not there. my shoulder are still shaking from the thought of me dropping a pigment, but that's my body reacting to an echo of my previous pain, but the thought of not deserving to live feels so foreign.
sadly, the thought of ending my life doesn't.
i made myself the best bath with the most shiny bomb i've ever had, and i walked out of there reborn, my skin sparkling with glitter. i was free, i thought. and this is where it hit me, this is where the reference to Brooks hit me.
i am free now, but i have no idea, what to do.
i can ignore this feeling forever, slipping into the anxiety and depression, but i also can't ignore this forever because i am too healthy for this. so what i feel, when i stop to process it because i really don't want to, is EMPTINESS. as i said, the pigment is back in the can, nothing is threatening me and dictating me what to do. it makes me feel so small. i feel so lost, like all of me is lost. which is weird because it's not, i was a human all this time, i had interests, feelings, pleasures! my chemical romance is back. i am heading to a concert this week and another concert this month, and i don't know what to feel about it. my favourite songs feel like noise. i can distract myself from that for long enough, but not forever. at this point, it feels like i have never lived, like i am not even existing as a person. and if i don't, does it care if i even continue?
routine helps me to continue. i go to work, chat, code. i am still not fired you might have guessed. but if i were, i might just straight up walk out the window or get submerged into a panic attack. if my friend didn't drag me out to eat, idk if i would have eaten anything today until i felt like passing out. i don't feel like doing any of my hobbies. they feel like someone else hobbies. where did my life go?
i booked a psychiatris appointment. the andy part of me, i guess, did it for me. when i think about it, i feel this short shining sensation of hope that it won't just be an advice on "doing stuff that scares me for 5 years every day". i hope that it might be the meds that help my damage brain to think happy thoughts. i hope to become a caring parent to myself, to hear that pleasant voice that it's okay, and that it's okay to be okay, and it's okay to not be okay about being okay. i hope i won't have to hide behind my anxiety anymore - because, despite the pain being gone, anxiety clearly Isn't.
the concert is coming up, and it's in a complete different place. it's my first stadium metal concert by the band i adore. i might actually dress for the ocasion if i find the power to. i hope it welcomes me well. it is so possible and yet so impossible in my current state. did i tell you how small i feel? i think i did. im shoving pumpkin soup into my mouth as we speak. come on, traumatised child. death of hunger is not a quick one.
i wanted to start living, i wasn't ready for the idea that i have never truly lived.
my soul is so cold, but i want to live again. come on brain chemistry. you can do this. this appointment might go well. uh, i hope it does, at least. i hope.
im in a real low point. so im rewatching shawshank. on a big screen this time.
i just can't shake the feeling that i'll never deserve all this stuff. that's it's unfair. but i can't find a quick solution to universal justice and i can't bring the dead back. so my mind wants me to just. stop. its like a callout video where someone rights "this youtuber should stop". so is me. how do i stop.
rewatching shawshank it is.