through the fever and the graves we carry on

  • Jess(i?e+)? or Hope (she/they, он/она)

  • adult (25)

  • icon by perpetualwhirlpoolofconfusion on tumblr (picrew link)

  • multifandom, sfw blog

  • aspiring metalhead

  • i draw, write (in Russian), animate things. creations are tagged as #babkart

  • black lives matter

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Posts tagged dnr:

i really feel like people are changing their attitide towards me on random lol. well i know one thing that will stop me from being hated by everyone. and im not doing it


then vs now

the pose i chose for her before was asymmetrical and challening, however, this time i wanted to try to go for what she looks like when she's actually shooting fire from her hands, and it, surprisingly, worked!! And yeah, i still don't know how to highlight anime hair properly. One day...

The thing about Sailor Mars is, that the animators of Sailor Moon either focus on her to make her especially pretty, or somehow mess her up more than others. I aspire to be in the first category...


me: going to sleep

scientific study: parent's behaviour can quite literally change your dna

me: ive never been more awake in my entire life


i feel like when smspace is over i could have enough skill to do ych commissions (if paypal integrates ofc) so uhhh maybe someone would want idk idk you tell me


im just fuckin depressssd i guess and i am like one or two taxi drives and letter from treatment (money aside. it's a lot but i have it at least) so i guess i have to just do it... i guess i kinda should if i want or should get better and such


Sometimes i recally wanna post something like "i am starting to follow more creators of color! cool" or "im about to learn how to draw natural hair" or some stuff like that because sometimes i am excited about this stuff

But then i remember the replies will be "oh so you expect praise or a pat on the back for not being a huge racist??" and im like yeah thats fair so i just don't post stiff like that


Im gonna type this because i can't sleep


it's not that i believe in this "you have to be useful to society" bs. you didn't ask to be born and yet here you are. you didn't decide it, so you don't have to justify it and you certainly don't have to die.

HOWEVER

i feel like a lot of things im doing or just passively contributing to are making the world so much worse. so the solution is to make the world better, and in order to do this, i need to do something that good people in my opinion will do. that all sounds super easy - if you dislike something about yourself and want to change it, just work towards it slowly and appreciate your progress!! you can do it!!

HOWEVER [2]

there are things i believe i should do but i don't know if i can do them, ever

because i... don't. want to?? i really don't know how this one's called. for example speaking out//spreading awareness on russian social media platforms. i know this is something that needs to be done. and it's probably even not that consequential. but i can't do it and i don't think i'll ever be in a position where i can, since it's extremely draining, requires a lot more research than you might think (and i am disappointed in some big activist for just. providing all the research in english or just kinda vaguely telling people to google stuff) a.nd i will spend a lot of time learning how to be good at it and i don't want i to be done by someone who's bad at it. and well, i don't want to do it in general since it's not an activity that brings me any joy at all, in the end.

but hey, those are my personal selfish WANTS right? surely i should be able to overcome them if i really want to be a good person but i can't. this way, in order to be a good person, i need to change something in myself which appears to be fundamental. which brings me to a conclusion i'm fundamentally bad for not doing things i don't want to (and for not discarding people who give me basic safety, shelter, mental and physical resources and fkin tolerate my mentall illness aka everyone i have in life ever (im not really talking about family here.) in search for people who don't passively contribute to harmful stuff and therefore it will be probably better if i support them instead. but i don't want to. selfishness again i guess).

which leads me to conclusion that if i can't change something fundamental in me to be a better person, that means i'm fundamentally bad. and it doesn't matter that much what i'm doing, since it doesn't excuse part of my behaviour which is always gonna be bad. I guess. And you all know there is only one solution to stop being bad if i can't force myself into it while alive.

you can tell me that "my standarts are too high" or "it depends on a situation" but i know that my situation can and will be read differently by different people and the standarts are also always subjective.


@beefox @spacepandy thank you for your messages and sorry for the lack of in-depth answer, today is a really tired kinda day...


my life is actually useless. what do good people do to ignorant ones? educate them or avoid them, not "continue having a meaningful relationship because i have literally zero resources to educate properly or avoid" I kind of deserve to die but its other people who die because of the shitty societal system and not me who's actually at fault. im doing creative projects which literally no one in the world needs, they don't make anything better. they just distract me from my own self hatred. justified most likely.

if only existing had a point but i have none. i just do things.


to whom it may concern:

  • my birthday is in like two days aaa

  • im still doing that fanta bottle cake but i replaced it with coke bottle cake since its easier to make

  • its like 15% complete

  • its hard aaaa

  • im not celebrating because that would take a lot of energy from me


babushka reblogged babushka
babushka -

might decide existing is not worth it in the end. i aint doing anything towards any positive change in the world, thus contribute to discrimination endlessly, which means i'm not really needed. i don't have the means to make human connections anymore, too, so im basically on my own. living for my own happiness is kinda evil i guess. especially when im broken in multiple ways.


babushka -

the truth is i feel all the pain/guilt/anger in the world and no ways to handle it instead of internalizing it and no support network so im sick and tired and hateful towards myself because who else can i blame productively


might decide existing is not worth it in the end. i aint doing anything towards any positive change in the world, thus contribute to discrimination endlessly, which means i'm not really needed. i don't have the means to make human connections anymore, too, so im basically on my own. living for my own happiness is kinda evil i guess. especially when im broken in multiple ways.


mcatnip asked:

Earth, Ceres and Hyperion?

Earth - answered above

Ceres: Out of everyone/thing in this world, who would you elect president?

okay fun fact! one of my classmates was told by teachers he'll "be president one day" a lot since he had a bad temper and yelled a lot. it was half a joke. some added to it "well, if he is a president, Hope (me) will be a prime minister" (since I was the smartest in the class. good times).

sooo the process is to pick the loudest classmate and agree for them to listen to my wisdom in difficult times

Hyperion: Do you have a favorite store/shop?

I haven't been to the store for so long I barely remember. I'd like to though. Oh to get lost in Ikea. To munch on meatballs. To be able to go and sniff up the whole Lush. Dreams, dreams.


huh asked:

Acetaldehyde?

something i used to have and am better without:

  • a toxic friend

i was such a good* ortodox christian girl growing up. now death metal brings me feeling of peace and cthulhu is my comfort character. WHAT HAPPENED


how is m*lanie m*rtinez still popular after publically admitting she has sexually assaulted her female friend i wonder


interesting how snuggling with cthulhu actually managed to become a comfort thought. that's an opposite from what lovecraft would have wanted and im here for it.


idk about the tentacles around the mouth bit (i don't mind them in general) but on the other hand if some kind of tiny aliens saw humans with facial hair they would decide we have a lot of thin tentacles on our heads too

so maybe that's just a beard

sure there might be some kind of a canon downside to it like him being slimy or something, im actually really picky about that

but from evolutionary standpoint - why would it be so?

he's also probably cold blooded in canon, but well, he has human parts and dragon parts, and dragons breathe fire, so there must be SOMETHING that keeps him warm at night!! which is a big deal for me

also he has wings.. winged hugs are a+++

i am kinda picky so other lovecraftian monsters really don't appeal to me at all, even though one of them is supposed to be a mass of tits??? among other things


EVERY story about ai torturing humans gets me because i am both the human and the ai i can't explain to you how its both me but it's both me. it's the way my brain works. i can't hack my brain into accepting the fact that im a person who deserves to not be hurt for once. i can do it consiously but not subconciosly. we both would love to stop but we can't because we're trapped by our creators.

also real ai would never do that, i say as a person who has trained one (1) neural network with one (1) layer

and by trying to escape my mind i overwork my body so yeah let's hope that the perfect cycle never ends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


babushka reblogged babushka
babushka -

need to write this out so.


I still don't know why, but the urge to die or hurt myself is really strong especially after i find out something terrible has happened with not-me. i don't quite know if it's guilt. it's worse since every kind of article always ends with "if you are silent or in the majority you are complicit" and i am both. since i am not an activist, i don't talk to people. i also don't know if it's anger. i've learned that the only socially acceptable way of expressing anger is taking it out on myself. maybe it's fear that this kind of thing can happen to me, even though i don't quite feel like it. maybe it's the general realization that i am not needed. i can feel this thing when i think i have majorly disappointed somebody and they won't let me apologise (they never do. my parents never did.), so every time something like this happens i reach for the nearest sharp object, grab it, sigh, and put it back. but the link in my brain between suicide and a lot of stuff that people usually react to in non-suicidal way is really strong, and i can't qiute see why. it also, obviously, makes me feel like i am making another person's big problem about myself by saying "sorry, by telling me this happened to you you just made me want to kill myself very bad. be right back. or i won't. right."

so uh

what


babushka -

well, it might be about me being really useless on a wide scale. if an awful things happens and i haven't prevented it, it means i am largely useless, disappointing and unwanted. and this is what exactly triggers my suicidality.


need to write this out so.


I still don't know why, but the urge to die or hurt myself is really strong especially after i find out something terrible has happened with not-me. i don't quite know if it's guilt. it's worse since every kind of article always ends with "if you are silent or in the majority you are complicit" and i am both. since i am not an activist, i don't talk to people. i also don't know if it's anger. i've learned that the only socially acceptable way of expressing anger is taking it out on myself. maybe it's fear that this kind of thing can happen to me, even though i don't quite feel like it. maybe it's the general realization that i am not needed. i can feel this thing when i think i have majorly disappointed somebody and they won't let me apologise (they never do. my parents never did.), so every time something like this happens i reach for the nearest sharp object, grab it, sigh, and put it back. but the link in my brain between suicide and a lot of stuff that people usually react to in non-suicidal way is really strong, and i can't qiute see why. it also, obviously, makes me feel like i am making another person's big problem about myself by saying "sorry, by telling me this happened to you you just made me want to kill myself very bad. be right back. or i won't. right."

so uh

what


i think im gonna love those earrings too. they're iridiscent


i know classic heavy metal is heavily male-dominated so learning about Doro's new music video was a blessing for my woman-looking ass

she's just there... near a brick wall... with cheap fire special effects, as it should be... wearing a jacket, being herself... not hyper-feminine or anything


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