welcome to my twisted mind

  • Jess(i?e+)? or Hope (she/he/they, он/она)

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  • adult (25+)

  • aspiring metalhead

  • icon by alohasushicore (picrew link)

  • multifandom, sfw blog (rare cases of #nsfw and #suggestive are tagged accordingly)

  • i draw, write (in Russian), animate things. creations are tagged as #babkart

  • black lives matter

  • жыве Беларусь

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Posts tagged dni:

watching this big youtuber vlog again makes me immensely happy and reminds me of the times when stuff was really good and gives me the CRUCIAL amount of serotonin but i've heard they're cancelled or something so. :/ guess i'll stay depressed and it will be for the better of the society.


mental health VERY BAD but there's people in the house with me so probs won't do anything stupid.


at the end of the day, i'm just. scared, to the point of physical sickness, of two things

  • scared someone will see me the way i see myself sometimes.

  • scared someone will see me as my abuser saw me.

egoistic. don't care.


babushka reblogged babushka
babushka -

cant sleep, scared. they will come for me


babushka -

if anyone saw my entire life. as a movie. they wouldn't consider me a good person. not a good one at all


babushka -

love talking like ive killed someone even though my biggest crimes were not standing up for others and myself and hurting people's feelings by being overly emotional/anxious/people pleasy


babushka -

i just know there is a bunch of people out there that hates me, and it's not for what i was born with. it's for things i could have done but chose not to do or done poorly. and it's probably justified.


babushka -

and yeah a bunch of people considers me the definition of cringe and i can't even take pride in it.

but of course i am a bad person.


babushka -

fuck this. like. A whole lot.


i don't even have the money for a fucking cardiologist yet

and i have to do this alone since if my family gets nervous i SWEAR to god


me: where does this violence come from in humans, it's awful

also me: forces myself into panic attaks knowing well it'll give me fever, forces myself to work in a position that gives me muscle pains until the pains become unbearable, etc. etc


might be off wf this weeked. if anyone - ANYONE OF YOU fucking dies i swear to god im


People who screwed CM over for everybody are russophobic because:

  • we don't have stripe here so i had no option to enter the CM as a seller unless it gets developed more

  • getting out on international platfrom is important for me since our economy has always been shit but now especially, and $/€5 can buy me. A fancy restaraunt quality lunch if not more. And for people from countries with better economies it's not that big of a sum since it's normal for them to sell busyness lunches in fast food for $10 if not more.

  • Now im forced to use paypal alone and it takes a shit ton of fees including fucking conversion fees

  • and i've just read in the news that my country is "running out of money for paid sick leaves" like the sums they've payed me before weren't ridiculously tiny enough

Ahh forget it. I should never have invested time in art. My family was right, art is not a way to get anywhere in life. Stealing and scamming is though, but not art. Not drawing.


An Anonymous user asked:

How is sexism different there? In what ways?

fuck okay im really not the person you should ask but okay. All I'm gonna say is that EVERY CULTURE IS DIFFERENT and gender stereotypes are different and therefore sexism is different

  • Russian revolution basically proclaimed women having the same rights as men. It was stated in the constitution of 1918. That meant voting, equal pay, everything. I think America introduced votes for women in 1920 and slowly worked form there. I recall Russian women being kinda weirded out by America's remaining sexism back in 40s-50s i think?.

  • Before that, society was super patriarchal mainly because of the church. I don't know when exactly everything went downhill and instead of celebrating the eighth of March as equality day we celebrate it by "wishing our pretty women to always stay pretty and be a delight to our eyes".

  • Gender roles used to be a little different and more fixed, there probably are some studies about this. Basically, gender roles always differ from culture to culture so there's that

  • I think we have this gender stereotype about a strong Russian woman which basically allows her to be a house tyrant or at least put a man in his place if he comes home drunk. I'm not saying its reverse sexism or whatever, just a gender stereotype i don't see in the west as often.

  • religion is, of course, different too, like a catholic woman archetype and an orthodox woman archetype women are forced into are slightly different at least

  • we have this weird tradition that if a healthy young man sits in public transport and a woman or an elderly man stands it's rude and the man should give up his seat. it also switched to just giving your seat to an elderly in general nowadays. id say its an unspoken rule but its literally spoken in the subway when you get in. the information audio will tell you that you need to give up your seats. I've heard that it could be taken as an insult in other countries (like, so you've just Assumed I'm Weak because of My gender/age?!) but here it's seen as a bare minimum of respect for others you can have

  • We have a lot of women in STEMscience but the whole field is underpaid af (maybe because of that)

  • russian language is heavily gendered so we have to invent our own inclusive language to fight "male as a default" and invent feminitives and the like (don't ask me about them I don't have a fixed opinion on them since they good but also give you two binary options and remove the gender neutral one which was male which is not good but we have no gender neutral language we have to come up with that too)

  • A LOT OF SEXISM IS GENERALLY THE SAME EVERYWHERE and i am not denying it at all but like cultures do be different and we shouldn't turn a blind eye to this

  • don't reference me in your school essay about less developed countries such as russia or any social media discourse


"we are denying hetero relationship and hetero sex. you can still be hetero, just don't participate in this shit" what how who where what vk please stop recommending rad//fem pages to me


bad brain!! shoo, shoo!! get back!!! back to our regulary scheduled grieving process!!


i feel like soon i will have to, again, decide on a matter which is none of my busyness whatsoever because the entire internet is divided in half by it once again


usually when I see something like "dni if you are "unknown word" as opposed to "another unknown word" i just skip it because there's no way I can have an opinion on this matter and if I don't that means I belong to neither group and we're good? except no, we're not, I have to have this opinion even though I'm really far from the group this is all about and I wouldn't say I'm qualified to form it


shouldn't really read about belarus before bed like. you wouldn't BELIEVE the amount of violence

ive never read about anything even close happening in america (except for killing people probably) so here's that

however my first emotional responce isn't selfharm

2020 is hell. what comes next better be quick and painless


HOW is it possible to people to just feel. To JUST get upset, or JUST get angry. Or even frustrated. Without it immediately boiling down to "i deserve to die". Desire to self-harm as an impulse reaction shouldn't be a norm. Idek if this is a norm for me, because sometimes i think i haven't always been like this. But then again, i've had some questionable coping mechanisms that would distract me from this stuff but they ended up doing me wrong so i deconstructed them. And then 2018-19-20 broke me a little bit in general but at least i am 3000% more aware of things happening inside me. So i can finally name them, and i can assume they're not normal.

Hopefully they aren't. I know that maybe a lot of people here feel the same but the realisation of it is probably gonna break my heart (nothing unusual lol but still)

Anyway wouldn't it be nice to just feel things without immediately jumping the self-harming suicidal implications all the time??


Im gonna type this because i can't sleep


it's not that i believe in this "you have to be useful to society" bs. you didn't ask to be born and yet here you are. you didn't decide it, so you don't have to justify it and you certainly don't have to die.

HOWEVER

i feel like a lot of things im doing or just passively contributing to are making the world so much worse. so the solution is to make the world better, and in order to do this, i need to do something that good people in my opinion will do. that all sounds super easy - if you dislike something about yourself and want to change it, just work towards it slowly and appreciate your progress!! you can do it!!

HOWEVER [2]

there are things i believe i should do but i don't know if i can do them, ever

because i... don't. want to?? i really don't know how this one's called. for example speaking out//spreading awareness on russian social media platforms. i know this is something that needs to be done. and it's probably even not that consequential. but i can't do it and i don't think i'll ever be in a position where i can, since it's extremely draining, requires a lot more research than you might think (and i am disappointed in some big activist for just. providing all the research in english or just kinda vaguely telling people to google stuff) a.nd i will spend a lot of time learning how to be good at it and i don't want i to be done by someone who's bad at it. and well, i don't want to do it in general since it's not an activity that brings me any joy at all, in the end.

but hey, those are my personal selfish WANTS right? surely i should be able to overcome them if i really want to be a good person but i can't. this way, in order to be a good person, i need to change something in myself which appears to be fundamental. which brings me to a conclusion i'm fundamentally bad for not doing things i don't want to (and for not discarding people who give me basic safety, shelter, mental and physical resources and fkin tolerate my mentall illness aka everyone i have in life ever (im not really talking about family here.) in search for people who don't passively contribute to harmful stuff and therefore it will be probably better if i support them instead. but i don't want to. selfishness again i guess).

which leads me to conclusion that if i can't change something fundamental in me to be a better person, that means i'm fundamentally bad. and it doesn't matter that much what i'm doing, since it doesn't excuse part of my behaviour which is always gonna be bad. I guess. And you all know there is only one solution to stop being bad if i can't force myself into it while alive.

you can tell me that "my standarts are too high" or "it depends on a situation" but i know that my situation can and will be read differently by different people and the standarts are also always subjective.


how is m*lanie m*rtinez still popular after publically admitting she has sexually assaulted her female friend i wonder


Ugh

Why is it so easy to just completely make me believe i am a bad person* seriously i don't understand

also its nice being told im faking being sick and then ask me not to be offended cause they mean i that im only doing it sometimes


*who deserves to die. i didn't selfharm or anything because im better than this but got i wanted too. i went as far as finding the pills.

i thought this kind of shit is over with my abuser gone but people keep doing this shit to me. which drives me straight to suicide lol (my fault, not theirs. so i can't tell them). nice living on the edge i guess. thick skin when. gotta go hide the pills from myself again...


also i can't believe im saying this but im not going to address every discourse that's going on on this site (and i started some of it, i know. anyway). i'm tired. i'm sick. i have the right to remain silent. if my opinion on something is absolutely crucial to you in terms of following/unfollowing me, ask me and i'll privately respond.


iii had a very happy dream about reconnecting with my best friend

what a shame i can't actually reconnect with her because she's dead

time for me to go folks


>order delivery

>a guy comes up to our door, not holding anything

>"oh i'm just here for the dead body"

???

?????????


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