welcome to my twisted mind

  • Jess(i?e+)? or Hope (she/he/they, он/она)

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  • adult (25+)

  • aspiring metalhead

  • icon by alohasushicore (picrew link)

  • multifandom, sfw blog (rare cases of #nsfw and #suggestive are tagged accordingly)

  • i draw, write (in Russian), animate things. creations are tagged as #babkart

  • black lives matter

  • жыве Беларусь

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HOW is it possible to people to just feel. To JUST get upset, or JUST get angry. Or even frustrated. Without it immediately boiling down to "i deserve to die". Desire to self-harm as an impulse reaction shouldn't be a norm. Idek if this is a norm for me, because sometimes i think i haven't always been like this. But then again, i've had some questionable coping mechanisms that would distract me from this stuff but they ended up doing me wrong so i deconstructed them. And then 2018-19-20 broke me a little bit in general but at least i am 3000% more aware of things happening inside me. So i can finally name them, and i can assume they're not normal.

Hopefully they aren't. I know that maybe a lot of people here feel the same but the realisation of it is probably gonna break my heart (nothing unusual lol but still)

Anyway wouldn't it be nice to just feel things without immediately jumping the self-harming suicidal implications all the time??


Im gonna type this because i can't sleep


it's not that i believe in this "you have to be useful to society" bs. you didn't ask to be born and yet here you are. you didn't decide it, so you don't have to justify it and you certainly don't have to die.

HOWEVER

i feel like a lot of things im doing or just passively contributing to are making the world so much worse. so the solution is to make the world better, and in order to do this, i need to do something that good people in my opinion will do. that all sounds super easy - if you dislike something about yourself and want to change it, just work towards it slowly and appreciate your progress!! you can do it!!

HOWEVER [2]

there are things i believe i should do but i don't know if i can do them, ever

because i... don't. want to?? i really don't know how this one's called. for example speaking out//spreading awareness on russian social media platforms. i know this is something that needs to be done. and it's probably even not that consequential. but i can't do it and i don't think i'll ever be in a position where i can, since it's extremely draining, requires a lot more research than you might think (and i am disappointed in some big activist for just. providing all the research in english or just kinda vaguely telling people to google stuff) a.nd i will spend a lot of time learning how to be good at it and i don't want i to be done by someone who's bad at it. and well, i don't want to do it in general since it's not an activity that brings me any joy at all, in the end.

but hey, those are my personal selfish WANTS right? surely i should be able to overcome them if i really want to be a good person but i can't. this way, in order to be a good person, i need to change something in myself which appears to be fundamental. which brings me to a conclusion i'm fundamentally bad for not doing things i don't want to (and for not discarding people who give me basic safety, shelter, mental and physical resources and fkin tolerate my mentall illness aka everyone i have in life ever (im not really talking about family here.) in search for people who don't passively contribute to harmful stuff and therefore it will be probably better if i support them instead. but i don't want to. selfishness again i guess).

which leads me to conclusion that if i can't change something fundamental in me to be a better person, that means i'm fundamentally bad. and it doesn't matter that much what i'm doing, since it doesn't excuse part of my behaviour which is always gonna be bad. I guess. And you all know there is only one solution to stop being bad if i can't force myself into it while alive.

you can tell me that "my standarts are too high" or "it depends on a situation" but i know that my situation can and will be read differently by different people and the standarts are also always subjective.


Ugh

Why is it so easy to just completely make me believe i am a bad person* seriously i don't understand

also its nice being told im faking being sick and then ask me not to be offended cause they mean i that im only doing it sometimes


*who deserves to die. i didn't selfharm or anything because im better than this but got i wanted too. i went as far as finding the pills.

i thought this kind of shit is over with my abuser gone but people keep doing this shit to me. which drives me straight to suicide lol (my fault, not theirs. so i can't tell them). nice living on the edge i guess. thick skin when. gotta go hide the pills from myself again...


babushka reblogged babushka
babushka -

its 4AM and im YELLING this is one of the most graphic nightmares but

what kills me is that


in the nightmare i had a discussion with new followers who goes "also btw i am half water creature and i need to eat so you might be missing a body chunk (but its harm less it'll just fall of) or ill just eat some fish in the river most likely" and i was just like "okay!!! thats fine if you feel that way!!!" thinking to myself that i should be accepting of everyone or else i am a water creature oppressor. long story short i did miss a chunk of my body and had to throw it away in water, and at that point we haven't talked for a long time but i was kinda scared to confront them about it since they did this to me. my body was okay in the end, but like. y tho. and i saw a trend on wf of iding as a water creature (not a mermaid or a murmaid even) and i was about to just bloke those two people and their posts on water creature eating habits because this seriously started to make me incredibly uncomfortable. and i couldn't bring myself to do it, since i thought blocking a person i'm already in a convo with is a) rude b) water-creature-phobic so i sat down and looked through messages to settle things by talking. and that, like, says a lot about how i block irl (i really don't do it much. i did it on here because people who have blocked me complained about seeing my posts while the block system was broken, and i wanted them to be safe from me so i blocked back). as i was scrolling, i started thinking that maybe none of this happened/is real and i need to wake up. whoops ended up retelling the entire story.


babushka -

oh nvm i found the actual worst part

i didn't just lose a chunk of my body overnight, i had to tear it off my body by myself.


its 4AM and im YELLING this is one of the most graphic nightmares but

what kills me is that


in the nightmare i had a discussion with new followers who goes "also btw i am half water creature and i need to eat so you might be missing a body chunk (but its harm less it'll just fall of) or ill just eat some fish in the river most likely" and i was just like "okay!!! thats fine if you feel that way!!!" thinking to myself that i should be accepting of everyone or else i am a water creature oppressor. long story short i did miss a chunk of my body and had to throw it away in water, and at that point we haven't talked for a long time but i was kinda scared to confront them about it since they did this to me. my body was okay in the end, but like. y tho. and i saw a trend on wf of iding as a water creature (not a mermaid or a murmaid even) and i was about to just bloke those two people and their posts on water creature eating habits because this seriously started to make me incredibly uncomfortable. and i couldn't bring myself to do it, since i thought blocking a person i'm already in a convo with is a) rude b) water-creature-phobic so i sat down and looked through messages to settle things by talking. and that, like, says a lot about how i block irl (i really don't do it much. i did it on here because people who have blocked me complained about seeing my posts while the block system was broken, and i wanted them to be safe from me so i blocked back). as i was scrolling, i started thinking that maybe none of this happened/is real and i need to wake up. whoops ended up retelling the entire story.


it IS apocalypse, my partner is planning to raid the store when no one is out, i am lying here with a fever and a rash eating sugar, reading fics about the pandemics and whining in the group chat, i can't do anything


me: ok my self hatred is gone now right

my immune system: starts literally working against me creating auto immunity

me: wow how deep does that go


lets get real: i hate country humans and most of humanizations because its somehow even worse than het//alia at this point but this thing about cities that i wrote is still making me feel a lot of stuff


Don't mind me, my lack of community however small is now worse than ever and slowly crushing me and i really don't think i will find an accepting community irl like, ever (because there's too many sides for me and/or to people in the community, so they will either be not satisfied with me or with each other and that kinda terrifies me. also my needs are sorta specific). So i keep thinking.


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