babushka(he/she, он/она/)
babushka(he/she, он/она/)
Time ago
babushka

1st day in office is fighting back one panic attack after another because 1) i am not home 2) i am percieved. i do not wish to 3) i don't really know what to do

babushka

4) bi panic at the sight of my coworkers 5) realisation that unlike them i look really ugly 6) urgent task???



babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

1st day in office is fighting back one panic attack after another because 1) i am not home 2) i am percieved. i do not wish to 3) i don't really know what to do


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

i had a dream every 18+ russian citizen can choose a prison cell for themselves in advance because sooner or later they will end up there somehow


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

Guess who just saw a bad thing and did nothing because their family didn't want them to get involved


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD

is your newsfeed also like "omg soviet lord of the rings just dropped" or is it just me

because i barely see any russians in the comments of that film it's just people making pretty dumb jokes in English who came here to see an actual feature film and didn't expect the fact that it's a play recorded for TV which never intended to be anything like Peter Jackson

and that just kinda ruins it for me because i just came there for the music and the entire thing makes me feel like home

i usually fucking laugh at the jokes about russia based on stereotypes because they're somewhat funny but now i just feel like the world got not only progressively more evil but also progressively dumber somehow


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

my vicious hatred for terfs better be turned into something productive cause if i see one more terf page i will probably just fucking explode. i don't have resources to create and maintain safe spaces for people though :(


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

ive had this weird guilt attack completely randomly. i probably need to unpack that 5y abusive relationship at some point ahahaha fucj


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

hate side effects

ive spent enough!! of my lifetime being sick


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

I will fucking я скандал такой учиню


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

kinda sucks i have no future on wf because all the other websites are just horrible for my mental illness and I was really into the concept of having my creative work online where people can be interested in it and consume it. welp. W E L P.


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

negative and discouraging

Yeeeaaaah lets think about how my youth was basically stolen from me because mental illness and abuse, my present is nothing because pandemic and i have no future because everyone lives in a facist nation rn and my health most likely isn't getting BETTER. i have zero hope for future and endless hatred for people who took the entire first half of my life from me. can't wait to reaxh the end of my life being filled with nothing but regrets.


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

uhhh UK?.... what the fuck is going on?.. .


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

Ive slept through a therapy session which i was looking forward to all week, somehow

yeah just. yeet that mental health out of the window right with the money am i right


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

I have to get out of the house in 30 minutes and i am not even dressed, neither did i have breakfast but i am just going to type this out because this basically warped into a vent blog and i need to make one thing fucking clear.

(this thing doesn't make anything clear it's a vent and it sums up a problem i have for the last 2 years and maybe more)

Whenever I go to any social media, at some point, the algorithm figures out I am interested in feminism or LGBT+ rights. And it's all downhill from there. Since that point, I am almost explicitly being shown the posts about hate crimes, hot violent incidents in my area, etc, etc. It's worse since my whole life I have been ridiculously sheltered to the point I haven't experienced what most women and minorities did. So I can't help but feel that I'm privileged around all this, and I need to be better so that this stuff didn't happen, because since it didn't happen to me, I'm most likely the reason for it happening.

Then the algorithm figures out I am interested in mental health stuff and things got even worse. No one puts trigger warnings on anything anymore so I can always be redirected to a video of a random person crying while saying they don't want to live anymore. But also trigger warnings don't help unless I block tags.

Let me tell you why, when I see a trigger warning for a story, it doesn't make me want to scroll past it. All I see is a story of someone who is alone in a dangerous situation, a story of someone who wants me to know and understand their pain, who needs me to know and understand their pain and be aware of the situation. And I have to read it entirely through even if it means experiencing physical pain while reading it, because all of those things happen in a society that is indifferent, in a society that scrolls past, full of people like me. I feel dissociative when I try to justify actually scrolling past someone's violent story even in this post as I am typing this, because I really cannot justify it for myself. Most blogs I know consist of these stories only, so it seems like people just read this stuff on a daily basis and that's something a good person should do if they want the world to actually change for the better.

Then the ads change to terminally ill children and their moms crying into the camera and asking for donations, so i click on those and see if the fundraiser is doing well and if it's not i throw something there and the algorithm remembers this and shows me more next time.

I wake up in the middle of the night with an urge to kill myself and stop all this guilt i have for existing like this, for basically brushing off the suffering of others and never taking action and allowing even my closest friends etc. be ignorant and intolerant because talking to them about important issues takes too much of my energy and leaving them would absolutely crash me because they help me through the mental illness. so much. every fucking night i think about how my continuous existence is a crime against humanity and human rights because violence happens because of people like me, who see it happening and still actively choose to ignore it every single day.

"Well just do something about it and stop being a wussy" well i tried, but it's getting harder and harder, and me helping people is just NEVER enough to actually bring meaningful change. i don't want to wake up to hundreds of death threats on social media (because i am a coward, also because i might just follow with the instructions from people who want me to die), and I don't have any extra money since the whole situation happened oh you know if you know you know. also pretending that something i do for myself and random stranges on the internet is well. a questionable fucking thing in the first place. also its funny how the longer i live the more i am violently triggered by the slightest shit

I don't see a way out. I do not see a way out of this without destorying myself, or some big part of my life, or my physical health, anyway i am not getting out of this unharmed, i can't call myself a good or a decent or barely even a person if i am not willing to fucking inflict pain on myself, but that's the way to fucking go because my pain is not important!!! never WAS!!!!!!

okay i am out


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

ok hear me out.. . ok listen.. . maybe the problem isn't actually the problem... but the amount of self hate i unleash on myself every time i think about solving it for the fact that it isn't already solved.. . like coming out should happen because you are ready to live your truth and it's important for you that certain people just KNOW... not because you furiously despise yourself for having "closeted privilige".. . Maybe it's that simple... Maybe it's not.. .. Ugh god fuck jesus


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

я устал@ быть терпимой и хоть сколько нибудь понимающей, и я уже больше не верю в то что радфем может быть адекватным движением, точно так же как они не верят в то, что существуют адекватные мужчины. если вы радфем, я черт подери уже готов@ есть вас на завтрак, обед, и ужин, ОСОБЕННО если вы всерьёз считаете, что говорить хорошо о мужчине или мужчинах или использовать мужские местоимения являются жесточайшей формой мизогинии. мне больно и стыдно что эти люди стали лицом феминистского движения России (и станут причиной его неминуемого упадка, черт подери). И да я черт возьми хотя бы пытаюсь своими руками защитить женщин (цис и транс) от насилия, вместо того чтобы пороть горячку в интернете (этот пост скорее исключение). вы же в свою очередь доводите женщин (цис, транс и энби) до суицидов, и это уже не шутки. как же я злюсь, господи

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babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

all i do on this blog nowadays is complain and at one hand. i don't really like that. on another hand, the right to complain is my god given right and lord knows i not afraid to use it anymore.


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

So, no fridge? *smashes the phone* *jumps on a skateboard and breaks it in half*


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

im still sick as fuck and idk with what and idk what i can and cannot eat ВПРОЧЕМ НИЧЕГО НОВОГО


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

microwave delivery is like, failing me tremendously and i have no fridge for now too (and probably won't get it until like monday since its weekend) so uh. dry food it is


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

ok cool my employers want me in the office now. me. who isn't allowed to get a vaccine. who's currently sick. okay. fuck off janet im not going to your fucking baby shower


babushka(he/she, он/она/)
posted this
Time ago

if im actually getting better i might cry with relief.


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