1st day in office is fighting back one panic attack after another because 1) i am not home 2) i am percieved. i do not wish to 3) i don't really know what to do
Guess who just saw a bad thing and did nothing because their family didn't want them to get involved
PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD
is your newsfeed also like "omg soviet lord of the rings just dropped" or is it just me
because i barely see any russians in the comments of that film it's just people making pretty dumb jokes in English who came here to see an actual feature film and didn't expect the fact that it's a play recorded for TV which never intended to be anything like Peter Jackson
and that just kinda ruins it for me because i just came there for the music and the entire thing makes me feel like home
i usually fucking laugh at the jokes about russia based on stereotypes because they're somewhat funny but now i just feel like the world got not only progressively more evil but also progressively dumber somehow
how am i so fucking sheltered from all the negative experiences people usually have daily but also in so much pain all the time
hate side effects
ive spent enough!! of my lifetime being sick
I will fucking я скандал такой учиню
negative and discouraging
uhhh UK?.... what the fuck is going on?.. .
Ive slept through a therapy session which i was looking forward to all week, somehow
yeah just. yeet that mental health out of the window right with the money am i right
I have to get out of the house in 30 minutes and i am not even dressed, neither did i have breakfast but i am just going to type this out because this basically warped into a vent blog and i need to make one thing fucking clear.
(this thing doesn't make anything clear it's a vent and it sums up a problem i have for the last 2 years and maybe more)
Then the algorithm figures out I am interested in mental health stuff and things got even worse. No one puts trigger warnings on anything anymore so I can always be redirected to a video of a random person crying while saying they don't want to live anymore. But also trigger warnings don't help unless I block tags.
Let me tell you why, when I see a trigger warning for a story, it doesn't make me want to scroll past it. All I see is a story of someone who is alone in a dangerous situation, a story of someone who wants me to know and understand their pain, who needs me to know and understand their pain and be aware of the situation. And I have to read it entirely through even if it means experiencing physical pain while reading it, because all of those things happen in a society that is indifferent, in a society that scrolls past, full of people like me. I feel dissociative when I try to justify actually scrolling past someone's violent story even in this post as I am typing this, because I really cannot justify it for myself. Most blogs I know consist of these stories only, so it seems like people just read this stuff on a daily basis and that's something a good person should do if they want the world to actually change for the better.
Then the ads change to terminally ill children and their moms crying into the camera and asking for donations, so i click on those and see if the fundraiser is doing well and if it's not i throw something there and the algorithm remembers this and shows me more next time.
I wake up in the middle of the night with an urge to kill myself and stop all this guilt i have for existing like this, for basically brushing off the suffering of others and never taking action and allowing even my closest friends etc. be ignorant and intolerant because talking to them about important issues takes too much of my energy and leaving them would absolutely crash me because they help me through the mental illness. so much. every fucking night i think about how my continuous existence is a crime against humanity and human rights because violence happens because of people like me, who see it happening and still actively choose to ignore it every single day.
"Well just do something about it and stop being a wussy" well i tried, but it's getting harder and harder, and me helping people is just NEVER enough to actually bring meaningful change. i don't want to wake up to hundreds of death threats on social media (because i am a coward, also because i might just follow with the instructions from people who want me to die), and I don't have any extra money since the whole situation happened oh you know if you know you know. also pretending that something i do for myself and random stranges on the internet is well. a questionable fucking thing in the first place. also its funny how the longer i live the more i am violently triggered by the slightest shit
I don't see a way out. I do not see a way out of this without destorying myself, or some big part of my life, or my physical health, anyway i am not getting out of this unharmed, i can't call myself a good or a decent or barely even a person if i am not willing to fucking inflict pain on myself, but that's the way to fucking go because my pain is not important!!! never WAS!!!!!!
okay i am out
шоп я сдох
я устал@ быть терпимой и хоть сколько нибудь понимающей, и я уже больше не верю в то что радфем может быть адекватным движением, точно так же как они не верят в то, что существуют адекватные мужчины. если вы радфем, я черт подери уже готов@ есть вас на завтрак, обед, и ужин, ОСОБЕННО если вы всерьёз считаете, что говорить хорошо о мужчине или мужчинах или использовать мужские местоимения являются жесточайшей формой мизогинии. мне больно и стыдно что эти люди стали лицом феминистского движения России (и станут причиной его неминуемого упадка, черт подери). И да я черт возьми хотя бы пытаюсь своими руками защитить женщин (цис и транс) от насилия, вместо того чтобы пороть горячку в интернете (этот пост скорее исключение). вы же в свою очередь доводите женщин (цис, транс и энби) до суицидов, и это уже не шутки. как же я злюсь, господи
all i do on this blog nowadays is complain and at one hand. i don't really like that. on another hand, the right to complain is my god given right and lord knows i not afraid to use it anymore.
So, no fridge? *smashes the phone* *jumps on a skateboard and breaks it in half*
microwave delivery is like, failing me tremendously and i have no fridge for now too (and probably won't get it until like monday since its weekend) so uh. dry food it is
ok cool my employers want me in the office now. me. who isn't allowed to get a vaccine. who's currently sick. okay. fuck off janet im not going to your fucking baby shower
if im actually getting better i might cry with relief.